New Report Says Santa Needs A ‘Modern Update.’ What They Have In Mind Is Insane.

With Christmas right around the corner, the man in the big red suit with the dad bod that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly is gearing up to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls all over the world.

(Yes, we’re quite aware Santa Claus isn’t real, but just go with it.)

Unfortunately for Old Saint Nick, a new survey of Brits and Americans say he needs a more “modern update,” which is apparently liberal slang for let’s make Santa “gender-neutral.”

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You can’t make this up, ladies and gentlemen.

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Fox News reports that GraphicSprings surveyed more than 800 “people across the U.S. and U.K, asking them how they would ‘rebrand’ or modernize the jolly fellow,” and they had some….interesting…ideas about how to bring Santa Claus into the 21st century.

The group then submitted the responses of the first survey to a wider group of 4,000 individuals to vote on.

“About 23 percent of respondents think Santa should have an iPhone, while 25 percent said Saint Nicholas should wear sneakers or trainers. Eighteen percent said he should be ‘more hipster,’ while 22 percent said he should ditch the sleigh and reindeer for a flying car,” Fox News reported.

Around a quarter of respondents also said that Santa should give up the North Pole toy workshop and just admit that he uses Amazon Prime like everyone else buying gifts for Christmas.

As for what a “new and improved” Santa Claus might look like, respondents suggest that Santa could sport tattoos, could stand to lose a little weight (maybe a vegan diet?), and could adopt a new hairstyle, though they didn’t specify whether that would include Santa shaving off his trademark beard and mustache.

In a sign of the times, a handful of respondents — around 10% — also wanted Santa to swap genders, and around 17% suggested that Santa should go “gender neutral,” according to a local New Jersey cable affiliate.

One individual interviewed for the survey said they see a woman delivering presents and that a “white, old man giving presents is kind of creepy.”

Guess we should expect this from the modern #MeToo generation that seems to think white men always have some creepy ulterior motive lurking beneath the surface of a kind gesture.

Others stated that since Santa isn’t real, parents have license to make him into whatever they want, including a gender-neutral “spirit” who just likes to be generous during the holiday season. You know, so that he doesn’t support one particular holiday or celebration over another.

Insert eye roll here.

One of the problems here is that Santa Claus is indeed based off a real person. Saint Nicholas was a bishop in Turkey who loved the Lord Jesus Christ and upheld the deity of Jesus by slapping a heretic who denied Jesus was God in the flesh right in the mouth.

He also gave away his vast fortune by giving gifts to children. He was well loved by all of those who knew him. To change our modern conception of Santa to “gender-neutral” would allow this important figure in history to slide even further into obscurity.

Contrary to what young people today tend to think, not everything needs to be “updated.” Sometimes, tradition is the best route to take.

Source: Daily Wire

Michael Stanley is a professional writer with 10 years of experience who has previously written for Young Conservatives, Allen West, and many others.
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